Why Smart People do Dumb Relationships - Relationships with a Personality Disorder

Relationships with personality Disorders can cause a lot of strive and conflict with a person and their family.  This blog is about that.  I have a personal interest in this article as this situation is close to my heart currently.  Currently I have an important person in my life involved in a horrible relationship, this blog was my attempt to find answers, a way to vent, a bit of venting therapy...  I apologize in advance if it seems out of order, I wrote this when I was slightly upset...  

Ok, so to start… have you ever had a friend or family member in a relationship that was just horribly wrong for them???  (some of this might seem like a vent, it might be, I’m not sure, I apologize in advance :D  lol )  Everyone things this, everyone can see this…  yet… why can’t they?  They refuse to believe anything could be wrong, they think everything is just peachy and they are so happy.  Yet we can see the train wreck coming, we know it’s going to happen.  We try to talk to them about it, instead they get defensive, and make threats.  This is something that has happened to all of us, if not yet, it will. 

In an attempt to try and figure out why, as this topic is close to my heart.  For the sake of privacy reasons, we will refer to people as such:

Person close to me – Person A (male)

Person they are dating – Person B (female)

Here is the background story, Person A meets B, and at not a flattering time in Person B’s life.  However, Person B has a horrid history of using others, and behaviors that are highly toxic (individual specifics wont be given)  So no surprise when family and friends find out from Person A that they are seeing Person B not many people are happy!  (NONE in fact).  We can all see that Person B is doing nothing but using him, they are pushing a wedge between Person A and his family and friends.  The sad thing is Person A refuses to see this, they think it’s the family and friends causing the problems.  When all I want to do is scream…  “IF EVERYONE FEELS THE SAME WAY I DO THEN ITS NOT JUST ME!!! ITS HER!!! EVERYONE SEES IT BUT YOU!!! WAKE UP!!!”  It’s a sad situation really, because person B’s family and friends are all nasty, petty, immature, horrible people.  And that is who Person A is around all the time, not good…

SO, I’m on a quest… to find out WHY Person A is so blind in their relationship, why they can’t see the truth and reality of the situation like everyone else can. 

Well, there are two reasons… reasons on Person A and B’s side.  Lets start by discussing the side of person B.

Men are funny things…  they can be pretty selfish and stupid (blind) when it comes to relationships.   For example, Men don’t realize what they are doing, they don’t think.  They don’t think it’s a problem, they don’t think anything could be wrong.  Another is they might not know any better.  However, woman can also be passive-aggressive.  When a man is really soft hearted, a woman who is passive aggressive will take advantage of that, use them.  They can be under a lot of stress, this can cause them to find answers where none exist, and because they know (subconsciously) that something is wrong, they will lash out at family and friends, act different, etc. 

As for person B.  WOW, where do I start???  They are users, manipulators, controllers, which is abuse!  This person see’s an easy target and goes after it, they will suck them dry, fill their needs, and move on.  Or they might just sink their claws in, and not let go, they have someone who will do everything for them, so why let it go?  However, they wont be faithful, they will lie, cheat and steal.  Do what they can to get what they need and they will do whatever they can to divide and conquer.  If family or friends try to warn person A about B, person B will retaliate, try to drive a wedge between other relationships (family/friends) try to put distance between them.  Try to isolate them.  It’s not THEIR family and friends, THEIR hobbies, etc…   What causes person B to behave like this?  A personality disorder. 

An Article in Psychology Today describes three types of clusters for personality disorders, those include:

·         Cluster A – Odd and eccentric behaviors – Paranoid, Schizoid, and Schizotypal Personalities

·         Cluster B – highly dramatic, emotionally and behaviorally – Antisocial, borderline, narcissistic, and histrionic

·         Cluster C – anxious and fearful – Avoidant, dependent, and OCD

As for this person B, I’m going to go with Cluster B, this person deff falls into one of these personality disorders.  These disorders include personality traits of the following:  (with included examples from Person B)

·         Self-Centered (it’s about them, for example addiction being more important than family)

·         Refusal to accept personal responsibility for their behaviors (they did nothing wrong, they are amazing people ex. They are different now, nothing matters, how they screwed people over don’t matter now)

·         Self – Justification (has justification for everything, ex. it’s everyone else’s fault not theirs, they are the poor little victim)

·         Entitlement (they deserve money, respect, time, attention, etc .. ex. She should have what she wants, she made a huge mistake choosing addiction over family but it’s her it’s hers it’s hers, she should have it, screw whats best for all involved)

·         Shallow Emotions (able to detach and move on, ex. Picking addiction over family, cutting person A off from family and Friends)

·         Situational Morality (no personal or social boundaries, do what they have to to get what they want ex. Being disrespectful to person A’s family/friends, causing a rift, because it gets them Person B without any intelligent arguments against them)

·         Narcissism and Ineffective lives (being a narcissist and having multiple lives ex. The life you see, and the reality of Person B ie horrible person)

·         Social Disruption (need to be center of attention ex. Having all of person A, excluding family/friends)

·         Manipulative (controlling people to get what they want ex, tricking person A into thinking they are actually changed and a good person, when in reality they are using them, claiming to not want to cause a gab with family yet starting the arguments and alienating Person A from family/friends)

·         Dysfunctional Parents (persons with a PD (personality disorder) generally have dysfunctional parents, however this I don’t know of)

These behaviors can be consciously or subconsciously… To tell you need to look at Person B’s attitudes, relationships (that are impaired/and functional), and their social behaviors. 

Here are some ways to tell your in a negative relationship:

·         You don’t talk to family/friends as much as you used to

·         You don’t continue with hobbies you enjoyed (or other actives)

·         You don’t visit family/friends as often as you used to

·         Multiple people are telling you the same thing (that this is a bad person)

·         The person is disrespectful to family/friends – if they can treat your relations this way, they will eventually treat you this way, they have no respect for you if they do this also.

In my opinion, I think what is going on is that they (can be male or female) have the idea of what they think a relationship is, and that is what they see, they don’t see the actual reality of what is going on, who they are dating.   They are pretty much living in a fantasy world.   And anyone who tries to make them see reality is a threat.  They will threaten and give ultimatums.  When in reality, they are afraid to face the truth of their relationship, because they themselves know it’s not healthy.

So what do you do?  As much as it hurts there isn't much you can do, just to sit back and wait for it to self-destruct.  Because it WILL!  And I can say that I am looking forward to that day, but also I am dreading it, I don't want to see it happen because it will hurt Person A very badly.  I do not want them to be hurt.

Links to Articles:
http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/love-in-limbo/201012/four-reasons-smart-people-make-stupid-dating-decisions
http://dannimoss.wordpress.com/articles/finding-healing/controllers-abusers-manipulators-and-users-in-relationships/