How to Live with / Deal with a Narcissist

Narcissists… emotional predators… we all know one…  and unfortunately we WILL encounter more

in our lifetime.  Most likely the first time a narcissist walks into your life, you wont recognize them, and WHAM next thing you know, they leave a tsunami of destruction as they walk out of your life, leaving you with the pieces to pick up.  Recovering takes a while, it takes time to heal.  However, like said…  you WILL encounter more…  In previous blogs I have listed what to look for, what a person with NPD will look like (please reference that blog)… Narcs are emotional abusers, they are users, manipulators and great actors/actresses.  It's their way all the time, they want what they want when they want it, and they don't care who gets hurt in the process.

In this blog, I will focus on the subject of how to live with or deal with a narcissists, because lets face it, we WILL have many more come into our lives… there is nothing short of moving to a deserted island that we can do to prevent this.  Narcs are great at hiding in public, and showing themselves only when you know what to look for.

You will encounter them at work, school, neighborhoods, groups of friends, etc… pretty much anywhere and everywhere…  So once in this situation where you have to deal with them, how do you do it?  How do we handle the emotional abuse… 

I am writing this blog through my own experience of my situation.  I have a family member staying with me who is a total Narcissist, I’m sad to say I didn’t realize this tell a few weeks ago.  I’ve also noticed the older he got, the worse the symptoms got.  Sad really.  Do I still love him?  Of course I do!  But after realizing that he’s a Narc… it has made my patience so much shorter.  I’m pretty much pissed off and annoyed with him all the time.  The emotional abuse during one of his “tantrums” (as I like to call them cause Narcs remind me of a misbehaving toddler lol) can be so extreme at times it’s unreal!!!  This is not healthy.    

I must also deal with Narcs in a professional school setting.  This again is highly frustrating, while I know what and who they are, it’s still a lot of aggression and aggravation.  Which has made attending classes a chore, something I no longer look forward to attending.   

So, once you realize your dealing with a Narc, and you have to keep dealing with them because of some situation, what do you do?  How do you deal with it???  Well, here are some ways…

• Acknowledge and accept – First, realize what this person is, while it is annoying, frustrating, and stressful, this is who they are, and there really isn’t much you can do.  Accepting that this is who they are, and knowing what they are is the first step, this usually will help alleviate some of the internal emotional problems (not all mind you… lol) but it will help you to realize that what they are doing is not a reflection of you, but them.
• Boundaries – this is highly important also.  What you will and wont put up with and accept is important to know.  Some types behaviors really is so immature and petty it’s not worth arguing over, so letting that go, however don’t let everything go, or you’ll just be run over.  Knowing what you will and won’t put up with, and setting healthy boundaries will help you keep your sanity.
• Self-Esteem – building your own self-esteem is highly important.  This will help you with
  
  fighting off the emotional abuse put on by the Narc.  The Narc is sure not to help you with this, so find ways to help yourself, and build your own self-confidence and esteem.
• Gaslighting – understand what Narcs do, and how they do them.  If you understand the tricks they use, you can help build up a resistance to them.
• Support System – build a great support system for yourself.  Other family and friends that are compassionate, understanding, and encouraging.  Having someone to go to, or somewhere to go when things get a bit too stressful is a huge help.
• Emotional Outbursts – so they are attacking you, they were having a bad day and how dare you not pamper them?  Whatever the reason, when they are on the rampage don’t put up with it!  Don’t let them run you over, make their actions the main focus, explain your disappointment with their actions, words, behavior, you can ask for an apology, but being a Narc you probably won’t get a genuine one, they will repeat this behavior again and again.   If they won’t listen, then neither should you!  Walk away, it’s not worth it.  To sit and argue with them will gain you nothing. 
• Be Firm – they will demand, throw tantrums, do everything they can to get their way, however, don’t fold don’t bend.  Learn to use words in benefit to yourself, learn how to talk around them, how to negotiate any situation.
  
• Talk about it – talk to your friends and family, don’t hold it in.  If you need to go out and vent, do so!  It will help you to feel better.
• Hobbies – find some new hobbies, things you enjoy doing.  Maybe going on a walk, or reading/writing, art, etc… anything that you enjoy doing … DO IT!!!  Spend as much time doing things you enjoy to do.
• Exercise – eating right, and exercising has been proven to help mood.  It builds up all those happy endorphins that your body and brain need to function right and feel great!  Feeling great will help with stress, and other issues.
• Patience – having the gift of patience is also important.  Dealing with a Narc is like dealing with a 2 year old that is constantly having a temper tantrum.  Being able to deal with this is a skill that will come in handy.
• Self-care – self-care is HUGE!!!  Take time out for yourself.  Like stated earlier with hobbies, exercise, etc.  Take a long bath, get a mani/pedi, go for a hike, take a vacation (mini vaca – day long excursions to places) anything that will help distress you.

Remember, sometimes we are stuck in situations where we must deal with a Narc, and there really isn’t much we can do.  But understanding the things we can do to preserve our own sanity and emotions is highly important on our own mental and emotional survival. 

So, those are some of the idea’s I’ve read about and a few I learned myself.  What others can you think of??? 

Sources:
http://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2012/12/27/how-to-live-with-a-narcissist/
http://www.drsapadin.com/articles/live-with-narcissist.php

Setting Healthy Boundaries

Have you ever been around those people who drain you?  Who make you feel like it takes more effort to be around them than others?  Do you have friends who seem to rule your life, run over your thoughts and feelings?  Do you have family who come to visit and just don’t leave?  Well, looks like you might need to start setting some healthy boundaries…  This blog will discuss what healthy boundaries are, the benefits of them, and how to make them.

First let’s examine why people lack healthy boundaries…. There can be a couple of reason; the main

reason is a lack of self-esteem/confidence.  Because we lack this, we let people run over us.  Another reason can be how we were raised, if we were raised in a dysfunctional family (which lacks healthy boundaries) this can prevent us from understanding, and learning how to create healthy boundaries from an early age.  We can also have been through some emotional, physical, mental abuse, which ticks away at our self-worth, and self-esteem, which again, leads back to the first.  Fear and guilt are two reasons why we do not enforce boundaries when we know we need them, fear of rejection, being abandoned, confrontation, and guilt for doing so.

Now let’s discuss what boundaries actually are.  Boundaries are limits we put on things we will and won’t accept.  They are incidences in when we will block what we don’t like from occurring.  However, boundaries are not walls that we build up around ourselves to protect ourselves from people, boundaries instead are like small fences that go around ourselves.  Having clear, but firm boundaries help us to define our relationships and ourselves, without these boundaries we are allowing dysfunctional relationships to overrule your life.  Which will cause a lot of stress, drama, feelings of being tired, lack of stimuli, etc…  By setting healthy boundaries these can be avoided.  There are two types of boundaries, physical and emotional/mental. 

Physical boundaries – include your body, personal space, privacy.  Examples of unhealthy physical

boundaries include boundaries from inappropriate touching, looking through others’ personal files/emails, not allowing others into your personal space (without permission).

Emotional/Mental boundaries – self-esteem, feelings.  Including beliefs, behaviors, choices, responsibility, and ability to be intimate with others.  Some examples of unhealthy emotional/mental boundaries include not understanding how to separate your feelings from your partners feelings, and letting a partner/friend’s mood dictate your mood, sacrificing your plans/dreams/goals to please others, not taking responsibility for yourself and blaming others for problems.

Healthy boundaries are highly beneficial, for many reasons.  Some include: (from positivelypostiive)

·  “Have high self-esteem and self-respect.

·  Share personal information gradually, in a mutually sharing and trusting relationship.

·  Protect physical and emotional space from intrusion.

·  Have an equal partnership where responsibility and power are shared.

·  Be assertive. Confidently and truthfully say “yes” or “no” and be okay when others say “no” to you.

·  Separate your needs, thoughts, feelings, and desires from others. Recognize that your boundaries and needs are different from others.

·  Empower yourself to make healthy choices and take responsibility for yourself.”

Unhealthy boundaries’ are characterized by: (from positivelypostiive)

· “ Sharing too much too soon or, at the other end of the spectrum, closing yourself off and not expressing your need and wants.

·  Feeling responsible for other’s happiness.

·  Inability to say “no” for fear of rejection or abandonment.

·  Weak sense of your own identity. You base how you feel about yourself on how others treat you.

·  Disempowerment. You allow others to make decisions for you; consequently, you feel powerless and do not take responsibility for your own life.”

So what are some tips to create healthy boundaries’?  There are a few steps you can take:

First you should identify where the problem areas are, learn to identify when you need to set a boundary, be able to identify who, what, when, where, and why in regards to this boundary, and problem.  Get to know yourself, know your priorities, feelings, emotions, and wants/needs.

Next is understanding while you can control yourself, you cannot control others.  While you might be willing to not violate others boundaries, does not mean people will grant you that same respect.  Knowing that you are responsible for communicating your boundaries to others, and communicate them in a calm, respectful tone, manner.  Expect that there will be push back, expect that people will react in a way that will test these boundaries at first, simply because they are conditioned to you not having them.  Be prepared to handle this is an understanding, yet firm way.

You might begin to feel (and others might try to make you feel) guilty about these, you might feel selfish, angry, or embarrassed.  But keep setting these boundaries, stay firm.  Self-care is highly important, and you need to make yourself happy.  However, be careful you do not want to violate the rights, feelings, boundaries of others.

Setting boundaries are not just for others, but for yourself.  Don’t spent time being resentful, or

complaining, this is when you need to set a boundary.  Don’t violate the rights, boundaries of others, and respect personal space and privacy of others.

Build a system for support, people who understand and respect you, and your values, and opinions.  Those who will help motivate you, help you through the boundary setting stage. 

Remember that when setting boundaries it is important to keep in mind these key tips:

• Start small – don’t overwhelm yourself at first, if you know you lack boundaries you need to take steps in to learn yourself, others, and how to set them.
• Stay firm, yet calm – don’t back down, stick to your boundaries, however do so in a calm, and rational way, yelling and screaming and being irrational will not help the situation, only make it worse.
• Don’t feel guilty, self-care is highly important, take care of yourself, it’s ok to do so.
• Learning your boundaries takes time, don’t expect everything to change overnight, it is a process, why you start small, with baby steps.

Setting boundaries is important for ourselves, they help us to develop good healthy relationships, self-esteem, and less stress, to be happy.  Having healthy boundaries helps to set a good balance in our life, without balance in our personal life, our professional life and other area’s can start to have problems, stress will linger over to others, blurring the lines.  We must have healthy boundaries and balance in our lives. 

A piece of personal advice:

Recently I had begun to notice that I had no boundaries,  I would hang out with people and feel like it was work to do so.  I would feel stressed out, drained, tired.  I’d also feel hurt, and rejected at times.  The snide comments that they thought were funny, really were not.  They hurt my feelings, they made me angry, yet I didn’t say anything, I’d brush it off, but I’d pay for it later when I got home.  My feelings were not considered, nor were my opinions.  When we would make plans, or go somewhere who cared what I wanted to do, it was what they wanted to do, when they wanted to do it.  Nothing else mattered but them.  I saw this, and I hated this.  For months this bothered me.  So I finally said enough is enough, time to put up boundaries.   The next time I was encountered with those abusive comments, I did not handle it well.  I snapped back, but I defended myself!  It felt great.  I finally stood up for myself, I stood my ground!  However, I am no longer friends with this person now, and that does hurt.  Apparently it’s only a friendship when I do what they want, how dare I have an opinion of my own.  Granted I did not follow the steps above, I did snap back in my own defense, and I didn’t speak clearly and calm.  However, if there was ever a true friendship, it wouldn’t have mattered. 

Please be aware, that while building healthy boundaries some will not accept this, they will fight back, and sometimes end relationships.  Remember that while this hurts, that is fine.  It is what is best.  If they

were true friends, it wouldn’t have mattered.  They would have respected you.  Don’t fall back into that pattern of bending over backwards to please others.  It is unhealthy and will take its toll on you.  You will lose friendships, but you will also gain some.  Those who are worth it, will respect your boundaries and you respect theirs. 

Remember, you are JUST as important, your feelings, thoughts, beliefs, etc are just as important as everyone else’s.  If they want you to respect theirs, they must respect yours.

Sources:

Healthy boundaries, good priorities--successful life!

Saga Stevin. Business Credit

How to set boundaries for a healthy relationship

Anonymous. Daily Gleaner

http://www.positivelypositive.com/2012/06/29/how-to-create-healthy-boundaries/

http://psychcentral.com/lib/2011/10-way-to-build-and-preserve-better-boundaries/

http://tinybuddha.com/blog/how-to-set-healthy-boundaries-3-crucial-first-steps/

http://serenityonlinetherapy.com/healthyboundaries.htm