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We all come into contact with those people who can ruin a good mood in seconds. They are just mean spirited, rude, uncompassionate, self-serving and self-absorbed. Some of us tend to hold in our frustration or anger, which is very unhealthy as this can lead to anxiety and stress problems which do affect our health. A friend of mine informed me of how she deals with situations like this, she journals! She explained that it has helped her so much.

If you have a situation, argument, event, etc that you would like discussed please email me through the blog…. No names will be used, strictly confidential....

Wednesday, July 10, 2013

Setting Healthy Boundaries

Have you ever been around those people who drain you?  Who make you feel like it takes more effort to be around them than others?  Do you have friends who seem to rule your life, run over your thoughts and feelings?  Do you have family who come to visit and just don’t leave?  Well, looks like you might need to start setting some healthy boundaries…  This blog will discuss what healthy boundaries are, the benefits of them, and how to make them.

First let’s examine why people lack healthy boundaries…. There can be a couple of reason; the main
reason is a lack of self-esteem/confidence.  Because we lack this, we let people run over us.  Another reason can be how we were raised, if we were raised in a dysfunctional family (which lacks healthy boundaries) this can prevent us from understanding, and learning how to create healthy boundaries from an early age.  We can also have been through some emotional, physical, mental abuse, which ticks away at our self-worth, and self-esteem, which again, leads back to the first.  Fear and guilt are two reasons why we do not enforce boundaries when we know we need them, fear of rejection, being abandoned, confrontation, and guilt for doing so.

Now let’s discuss what boundaries actually are.  Boundaries are limits we put on things we will and won’t accept.  They are incidences in when we will block what we don’t like from occurring.  However, boundaries are not walls that we build up around ourselves to protect ourselves from people, boundaries instead are like small fences that go around ourselves.  Having clear, but firm boundaries help us to define our relationships and ourselves, without these boundaries we are allowing dysfunctional relationships to overrule your life.  Which will cause a lot of stress, drama, feelings of being tired, lack of stimuli, etc…  By setting healthy boundaries these can be avoided.  There are two types of boundaries, physical and emotional/mental. 

Physical boundaries – include your body, personal space, privacy.  Examples of unhealthy physical
boundaries include boundaries from inappropriate touching, looking through others’ personal files/emails, not allowing others into your personal space (without permission).

Emotional/Mental boundaries – self-esteem, feelings.  Including beliefs, behaviors, choices, responsibility, and ability to be intimate with others.  Some examples of unhealthy emotional/mental boundaries include not understanding how to separate your feelings from your partners feelings, and letting a partner/friend’s mood dictate your mood, sacrificing your plans/dreams/goals to please others, not taking responsibility for yourself and blaming others for problems.

Healthy boundaries are highly beneficial, for many reasons.  Some include: (from positivelypostiive)
·  “Have high self-esteem and self-respect.
·  Share personal information gradually, in a mutually sharing and trusting relationship.
·  Protect physical and emotional space from intrusion.
·  Have an equal partnership where responsibility and power are shared.
·  Be assertive. Confidently and truthfully say “yes” or “no” and be okay when others say “no” to you.
·  Separate your needs, thoughts, feelings, and desires from others. Recognize that your boundaries and needs are different from others.
·  Empower yourself to make healthy choices and take responsibility for yourself.”

Unhealthy boundaries’ are characterized by: (from positivelypostiive)
· “ Sharing too much too soon or, at the other end of the spectrum, closing yourself off and not expressing your need and wants.
·  Feeling responsible for other’s happiness.
·  Inability to say “no” for fear of rejection or abandonment.
·  Weak sense of your own identity. You base how you feel about yourself on how others treat you.
·  Disempowerment. You allow others to make decisions for you; consequently, you feel powerless and do not take responsibility for your own life.”

So what are some tips to create healthy boundaries’?  There are a few steps you can take:

First you should identify where the problem areas are, learn to identify when you need to set a boundary, be able to identify who, what, when, where, and why in regards to this boundary, and problem.  Get to know yourself, know your priorities, feelings, emotions, and wants/needs.

Next is understanding while you can control yourself, you cannot control others.  While you might be willing to not violate others boundaries, does not mean people will grant you that same respect.  Knowing that you are responsible for communicating your boundaries to others, and communicate them in a calm, respectful tone, manner.  Expect that there will be push back, expect that people will react in a way that will test these boundaries at first, simply because they are conditioned to you not having them.  Be prepared to handle this is an understanding, yet firm way.

You might begin to feel (and others might try to make you feel) guilty about these, you might feel selfish, angry, or embarrassed.  But keep setting these boundaries, stay firm.  Self-care is highly important, and you need to make yourself happy.  However, be careful you do not want to violate the rights, feelings, boundaries of others.

Setting boundaries are not just for others, but for yourself.  Don’t spent time being resentful, or
complaining, this is when you need to set a boundary.  Don’t violate the rights, boundaries of others, and respect personal space and privacy of others.

Build a system for support, people who understand and respect you, and your values, and opinions.  Those who will help motivate you, help you through the boundary setting stage. 

Remember that when setting boundaries it is important to keep in mind these key tips:
  • Start small – don’t overwhelm yourself at first, if you know you lack boundaries you need to take steps in to learn yourself, others, and how to set them.
  • Stay firm, yet calm – don’t back down, stick to your boundaries, however do so in a calm, and rational way, yelling and screaming and being irrational will not help the situation, only make it worse.
  • Don’t feel guilty, self-care is highly important, take care of yourself, it’s ok to do so.
  • Learning your boundaries takes time, don’t expect everything to change overnight, it is a process, why you start small, with baby steps.


Setting boundaries is important for ourselves, they help us to develop good healthy relationships, self-esteem, and less stress, to be happy.  Having healthy boundaries helps to set a good balance in our life, without balance in our personal life, our professional life and other area’s can start to have problems, stress will linger over to others, blurring the lines.  We must have healthy boundaries and balance in our lives. 

A piece of personal advice:

Recently I had begun to notice that I had no boundaries,  I would hang out with people and feel like it was work to do so.  I would feel stressed out, drained, tired.  I’d also feel hurt, and rejected at times.  The snide comments that they thought were funny, really were not.  They hurt my feelings, they made me angry, yet I didn’t say anything, I’d brush it off, but I’d pay for it later when I got home.  My feelings were not considered, nor were my opinions.  When we would make plans, or go somewhere who cared what I wanted to do, it was what they wanted to do, when they wanted to do it.  Nothing else mattered but them.  I saw this, and I hated this.  For months this bothered me.  So I finally said enough is enough, time to put up boundaries.   The next time I was encountered with those abusive comments, I did not handle it well.  I snapped back, but I defended myself!  It felt great.  I finally stood up for myself, I stood my ground!  However, I am no longer friends with this person now, and that does hurt.  Apparently it’s only a friendship when I do what they want, how dare I have an opinion of my own.  Granted I did not follow the steps above, I did snap back in my own defense, and I didn’t speak clearly and calm.  However, if there was ever a true friendship, it wouldn’t have mattered. 

Please be aware, that while building healthy boundaries some will not accept this, they will fight back, and sometimes end relationships.  Remember that while this hurts, that is fine.  It is what is best.  If they
were true friends, it wouldn’t have mattered.  They would have respected you.  Don’t fall back into that pattern of bending over backwards to please others.  It is unhealthy and will take its toll on you.  You will lose friendships, but you will also gain some.  Those who are worth it, will respect your boundaries and you respect theirs. 

Remember, you are JUST as important, your feelings, thoughts, beliefs, etc are just as important as everyone else’s.  If they want you to respect theirs, they must respect yours.




Sources:
Healthy boundaries, good priorities--successful life!
Saga Stevin. Business Credit
How to set boundaries for a healthy relationship
Anonymous. Daily Gleaner

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