How to Live with / Deal with a Narcissist

Narcissists… emotional predators… we all know one…  and unfortunately we WILL encounter more

in our lifetime.  Most likely the first time a narcissist walks into your life, you wont recognize them, and WHAM next thing you know, they leave a tsunami of destruction as they walk out of your life, leaving you with the pieces to pick up.  Recovering takes a while, it takes time to heal.  However, like said…  you WILL encounter more…  In previous blogs I have listed what to look for, what a person with NPD will look like (please reference that blog)… Narcs are emotional abusers, they are users, manipulators and great actors/actresses.  It's their way all the time, they want what they want when they want it, and they don't care who gets hurt in the process.

In this blog, I will focus on the subject of how to live with or deal with a narcissists, because lets face it, we WILL have many more come into our lives… there is nothing short of moving to a deserted island that we can do to prevent this.  Narcs are great at hiding in public, and showing themselves only when you know what to look for.

You will encounter them at work, school, neighborhoods, groups of friends, etc… pretty much anywhere and everywhere…  So once in this situation where you have to deal with them, how do you do it?  How do we handle the emotional abuse… 

I am writing this blog through my own experience of my situation.  I have a family member staying with me who is a total Narcissist, I’m sad to say I didn’t realize this tell a few weeks ago.  I’ve also noticed the older he got, the worse the symptoms got.  Sad really.  Do I still love him?  Of course I do!  But after realizing that he’s a Narc… it has made my patience so much shorter.  I’m pretty much pissed off and annoyed with him all the time.  The emotional abuse during one of his “tantrums” (as I like to call them cause Narcs remind me of a misbehaving toddler lol) can be so extreme at times it’s unreal!!!  This is not healthy.    

I must also deal with Narcs in a professional school setting.  This again is highly frustrating, while I know what and who they are, it’s still a lot of aggression and aggravation.  Which has made attending classes a chore, something I no longer look forward to attending.   

So, once you realize your dealing with a Narc, and you have to keep dealing with them because of some situation, what do you do?  How do you deal with it???  Well, here are some ways…

• Acknowledge and accept – First, realize what this person is, while it is annoying, frustrating, and stressful, this is who they are, and there really isn’t much you can do.  Accepting that this is who they are, and knowing what they are is the first step, this usually will help alleviate some of the internal emotional problems (not all mind you… lol) but it will help you to realize that what they are doing is not a reflection of you, but them.
• Boundaries – this is highly important also.  What you will and wont put up with and accept is important to know.  Some types behaviors really is so immature and petty it’s not worth arguing over, so letting that go, however don’t let everything go, or you’ll just be run over.  Knowing what you will and won’t put up with, and setting healthy boundaries will help you keep your sanity.
• Self-Esteem – building your own self-esteem is highly important.  This will help you with
  
  fighting off the emotional abuse put on by the Narc.  The Narc is sure not to help you with this, so find ways to help yourself, and build your own self-confidence and esteem.
• Gaslighting – understand what Narcs do, and how they do them.  If you understand the tricks they use, you can help build up a resistance to them.
• Support System – build a great support system for yourself.  Other family and friends that are compassionate, understanding, and encouraging.  Having someone to go to, or somewhere to go when things get a bit too stressful is a huge help.
• Emotional Outbursts – so they are attacking you, they were having a bad day and how dare you not pamper them?  Whatever the reason, when they are on the rampage don’t put up with it!  Don’t let them run you over, make their actions the main focus, explain your disappointment with their actions, words, behavior, you can ask for an apology, but being a Narc you probably won’t get a genuine one, they will repeat this behavior again and again.   If they won’t listen, then neither should you!  Walk away, it’s not worth it.  To sit and argue with them will gain you nothing. 
• Be Firm – they will demand, throw tantrums, do everything they can to get their way, however, don’t fold don’t bend.  Learn to use words in benefit to yourself, learn how to talk around them, how to negotiate any situation.
  
• Talk about it – talk to your friends and family, don’t hold it in.  If you need to go out and vent, do so!  It will help you to feel better.
• Hobbies – find some new hobbies, things you enjoy doing.  Maybe going on a walk, or reading/writing, art, etc… anything that you enjoy doing … DO IT!!!  Spend as much time doing things you enjoy to do.
• Exercise – eating right, and exercising has been proven to help mood.  It builds up all those happy endorphins that your body and brain need to function right and feel great!  Feeling great will help with stress, and other issues.
• Patience – having the gift of patience is also important.  Dealing with a Narc is like dealing with a 2 year old that is constantly having a temper tantrum.  Being able to deal with this is a skill that will come in handy.
• Self-care – self-care is HUGE!!!  Take time out for yourself.  Like stated earlier with hobbies, exercise, etc.  Take a long bath, get a mani/pedi, go for a hike, take a vacation (mini vaca – day long excursions to places) anything that will help distress you.

Remember, sometimes we are stuck in situations where we must deal with a Narc, and there really isn’t much we can do.  But understanding the things we can do to preserve our own sanity and emotions is highly important on our own mental and emotional survival. 

So, those are some of the idea’s I’ve read about and a few I learned myself.  What others can you think of??? 

Sources:
http://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2012/12/27/how-to-live-with-a-narcissist/
http://www.drsapadin.com/articles/live-with-narcissist.php

Setting Healthy Boundaries

Have you ever been around those people who drain you?  Who make you feel like it takes more effort to be around them than others?  Do you have friends who seem to rule your life, run over your thoughts and feelings?  Do you have family who come to visit and just don’t leave?  Well, looks like you might need to start setting some healthy boundaries…  This blog will discuss what healthy boundaries are, the benefits of them, and how to make them.

First let’s examine why people lack healthy boundaries…. There can be a couple of reason; the main

reason is a lack of self-esteem/confidence.  Because we lack this, we let people run over us.  Another reason can be how we were raised, if we were raised in a dysfunctional family (which lacks healthy boundaries) this can prevent us from understanding, and learning how to create healthy boundaries from an early age.  We can also have been through some emotional, physical, mental abuse, which ticks away at our self-worth, and self-esteem, which again, leads back to the first.  Fear and guilt are two reasons why we do not enforce boundaries when we know we need them, fear of rejection, being abandoned, confrontation, and guilt for doing so.

Now let’s discuss what boundaries actually are.  Boundaries are limits we put on things we will and won’t accept.  They are incidences in when we will block what we don’t like from occurring.  However, boundaries are not walls that we build up around ourselves to protect ourselves from people, boundaries instead are like small fences that go around ourselves.  Having clear, but firm boundaries help us to define our relationships and ourselves, without these boundaries we are allowing dysfunctional relationships to overrule your life.  Which will cause a lot of stress, drama, feelings of being tired, lack of stimuli, etc…  By setting healthy boundaries these can be avoided.  There are two types of boundaries, physical and emotional/mental. 

Physical boundaries – include your body, personal space, privacy.  Examples of unhealthy physical

boundaries include boundaries from inappropriate touching, looking through others’ personal files/emails, not allowing others into your personal space (without permission).

Emotional/Mental boundaries – self-esteem, feelings.  Including beliefs, behaviors, choices, responsibility, and ability to be intimate with others.  Some examples of unhealthy emotional/mental boundaries include not understanding how to separate your feelings from your partners feelings, and letting a partner/friend’s mood dictate your mood, sacrificing your plans/dreams/goals to please others, not taking responsibility for yourself and blaming others for problems.

Healthy boundaries are highly beneficial, for many reasons.  Some include: (from positivelypostiive)

·  “Have high self-esteem and self-respect.

·  Share personal information gradually, in a mutually sharing and trusting relationship.

·  Protect physical and emotional space from intrusion.

·  Have an equal partnership where responsibility and power are shared.

·  Be assertive. Confidently and truthfully say “yes” or “no” and be okay when others say “no” to you.

·  Separate your needs, thoughts, feelings, and desires from others. Recognize that your boundaries and needs are different from others.

·  Empower yourself to make healthy choices and take responsibility for yourself.”

Unhealthy boundaries’ are characterized by: (from positivelypostiive)

· “ Sharing too much too soon or, at the other end of the spectrum, closing yourself off and not expressing your need and wants.

·  Feeling responsible for other’s happiness.

·  Inability to say “no” for fear of rejection or abandonment.

·  Weak sense of your own identity. You base how you feel about yourself on how others treat you.

·  Disempowerment. You allow others to make decisions for you; consequently, you feel powerless and do not take responsibility for your own life.”

So what are some tips to create healthy boundaries’?  There are a few steps you can take:

First you should identify where the problem areas are, learn to identify when you need to set a boundary, be able to identify who, what, when, where, and why in regards to this boundary, and problem.  Get to know yourself, know your priorities, feelings, emotions, and wants/needs.

Next is understanding while you can control yourself, you cannot control others.  While you might be willing to not violate others boundaries, does not mean people will grant you that same respect.  Knowing that you are responsible for communicating your boundaries to others, and communicate them in a calm, respectful tone, manner.  Expect that there will be push back, expect that people will react in a way that will test these boundaries at first, simply because they are conditioned to you not having them.  Be prepared to handle this is an understanding, yet firm way.

You might begin to feel (and others might try to make you feel) guilty about these, you might feel selfish, angry, or embarrassed.  But keep setting these boundaries, stay firm.  Self-care is highly important, and you need to make yourself happy.  However, be careful you do not want to violate the rights, feelings, boundaries of others.

Setting boundaries are not just for others, but for yourself.  Don’t spent time being resentful, or

complaining, this is when you need to set a boundary.  Don’t violate the rights, boundaries of others, and respect personal space and privacy of others.

Build a system for support, people who understand and respect you, and your values, and opinions.  Those who will help motivate you, help you through the boundary setting stage. 

Remember that when setting boundaries it is important to keep in mind these key tips:

• Start small – don’t overwhelm yourself at first, if you know you lack boundaries you need to take steps in to learn yourself, others, and how to set them.
• Stay firm, yet calm – don’t back down, stick to your boundaries, however do so in a calm, and rational way, yelling and screaming and being irrational will not help the situation, only make it worse.
• Don’t feel guilty, self-care is highly important, take care of yourself, it’s ok to do so.
• Learning your boundaries takes time, don’t expect everything to change overnight, it is a process, why you start small, with baby steps.

Setting boundaries is important for ourselves, they help us to develop good healthy relationships, self-esteem, and less stress, to be happy.  Having healthy boundaries helps to set a good balance in our life, without balance in our personal life, our professional life and other area’s can start to have problems, stress will linger over to others, blurring the lines.  We must have healthy boundaries and balance in our lives. 

A piece of personal advice:

Recently I had begun to notice that I had no boundaries,  I would hang out with people and feel like it was work to do so.  I would feel stressed out, drained, tired.  I’d also feel hurt, and rejected at times.  The snide comments that they thought were funny, really were not.  They hurt my feelings, they made me angry, yet I didn’t say anything, I’d brush it off, but I’d pay for it later when I got home.  My feelings were not considered, nor were my opinions.  When we would make plans, or go somewhere who cared what I wanted to do, it was what they wanted to do, when they wanted to do it.  Nothing else mattered but them.  I saw this, and I hated this.  For months this bothered me.  So I finally said enough is enough, time to put up boundaries.   The next time I was encountered with those abusive comments, I did not handle it well.  I snapped back, but I defended myself!  It felt great.  I finally stood up for myself, I stood my ground!  However, I am no longer friends with this person now, and that does hurt.  Apparently it’s only a friendship when I do what they want, how dare I have an opinion of my own.  Granted I did not follow the steps above, I did snap back in my own defense, and I didn’t speak clearly and calm.  However, if there was ever a true friendship, it wouldn’t have mattered. 

Please be aware, that while building healthy boundaries some will not accept this, they will fight back, and sometimes end relationships.  Remember that while this hurts, that is fine.  It is what is best.  If they

were true friends, it wouldn’t have mattered.  They would have respected you.  Don’t fall back into that pattern of bending over backwards to please others.  It is unhealthy and will take its toll on you.  You will lose friendships, but you will also gain some.  Those who are worth it, will respect your boundaries and you respect theirs. 

Remember, you are JUST as important, your feelings, thoughts, beliefs, etc are just as important as everyone else’s.  If they want you to respect theirs, they must respect yours.

Sources:

Healthy boundaries, good priorities--successful life!

Saga Stevin. Business Credit

How to set boundaries for a healthy relationship

Anonymous. Daily Gleaner

http://www.positivelypositive.com/2012/06/29/how-to-create-healthy-boundaries/

http://psychcentral.com/lib/2011/10-way-to-build-and-preserve-better-boundaries/

http://tinybuddha.com/blog/how-to-set-healthy-boundaries-3-crucial-first-steps/

http://serenityonlinetherapy.com/healthyboundaries.htm

Narcissistic Personality Disorder?

What exactly is Narcissism?

Apparently there seems to be a lot of confusion on what Narcissistic Personality Disorder is (NPD).  So I decided to write up a blog with all the information detailed. 

When people hear the word ‘narcissist’ the first thought is someone who is in love with themselves.  When in reality there is so much more to it than that.  Many people have perceptions of what they think someone with NPD really is, their personality, how they would react etc.  But they don’t really understand how in-depth and close to other anti-social qualities a narcissist has.

The DSM-IV-TR states that the most essential feature of NPD is a pervasive pattern of grandiosity, and lack of empathy (generally beginning in early childhood).  The DSM also states that they believe themselves to be above everyone else, and when this is not the case, are genially surprised.  Also being obsessed with status, and power.  Those with NPD also “fish” for compliments, and have a constant need for attention.  Lack of empathy is a major part of NPD, they cannot or find it difficult to understand other’s feelings, and experiences, and if they don’t understand they will lash out. 

Someone with NPD who is at odds with another person will often have behavior that can be described as bullying, often times they will round up their friends to join in on the bullying.  They will act a victim to their friends whom they have manipulated, to believe in everything they say.

A great article in Psychology Today lists the symptoms of NPD as follows:

• “Reacts to criticism with anger, shame or humiliation
• Takes advantage of others to reach his or her own goals
• Exaggerates own importance
• Exaggerates achievements and talents
• Entertains unrealistic fantasies about success, power, beauty, intelligence or romance
• Has unreasonable expectation of favorable treatment
• Requires constant attention and positive reinforcement from others
• Is easily jealous
• Disregards the feelings of others, lacks empathy
• Has obsessive self-interest
• Pursues mainly selfish goals
• Also, narcissists are usually physically attractive and charming at first glance, so they may have advantages when they first meet people (making a sale, getting a first date, gaining popularity). However, the long-term outcomes for narcissists are usually quite dismal, especially socially (e.g., long-term relationship difficulties). On average, levels of narcissism drop quite dramatically by age 30.”

  

Some other personality traits related to NPD are as follows:

Abusive cycle, alienation, “always and never” statements, anger, baiting, blaming, bullying, cheating, denial, dissociation, domestic theft, emotional blackmail, sense of entitlement, false accusations, favoritism, frivolous litigation, gaslighting, grooming, harassment, hooveres & hoovering,

impulsiveness, imposed isolation, intimidation, invalidation, lack of conscience, lack of objective consistency, neglect, normalizing, no-win scenarios, objectification, parent alienation syndrome, pathological lying, proxy recruitment, raging/violence and impulsive aggression, sabotage, scapegoating, selective memory, self-aggrandizement, shaming, stalking, testing, thought policing, threats, triangulation, and tunnel vision.

The DSM lists their diagnostic criteria as follows:

“Narcissistic Personality Disorder

 A pervasive pattern of grandiosity (in fantasy or behavior), need for admiration, and lack of empathy, beginning by early adulthood and present in a variety of contexts, as indicated by five (or more) of the following:

1.    has a grandiose sense of self-importance (e.g., exaggerates achievements and talents, expects to be recognized as superior without commensurate achievements)
2.    is preoccupied with fantasies of unlimited success, power, brilliance, beauty, or ideal love
3.    believes that he or she is "special" and unique and can only be understood by, or should associate with, other special or high-status people (or institutions)
4.    requires excessive admiration
5.              has a sense of entitlement, i.e., unreasonable expectations of especially favorable treatment or     automatic compliance with his or her expectations
6.               is interpersonally exploitative, i.e., takes advantage of others to achieve his or her own ends
7.               lacks empathy: is unwilling to recognize or identify with the feelings and needs of others
8.                is often envious of others or believes that others are envious of him or her
9.        shows arrogant, haughty behaviors or attitudes”

Narcissism is something that surprisingly affects many of us in different ways.  At some point in time we will all be victims of a narc.  Either in personal life or online, through direction relations, or friends/spouses/ex’s of our relations.  A person with NPD can affect not just the direct person they are involved with, but those surrounding them.  And can cause some serious damage, and lasting effects that can really harm people.  In some cases suicide.

 It is also important to remember that not every Narc, no matter how similar is never the same as another, their damage is never the same for each person.  Each person experiences it in different ways, you may not understand it, or have experienced it, it may seem foreign to you, but please support them instead of attacking or questioning them.  It is a very touchy topic, and very hard for some to talk about.

 As survivors of NPD’s it’s our job to stick together, to provide support, compassion, and empathy to those who have been victims of, or are still involved with Narcs. 

Sources:
DSM-IV-TR
http://outofthefog.net/Disorders/NPD.html
http://www.psychologytoday.com/conditions/narcissistic-personality-disorder?tab=Symptoms  

  

Why Smart People do Dumb Relationships - Relationships with a Personality Disorder

Relationships with personality Disorders can cause a lot of strive and conflict with a person and their family.  This blog is about that.  I have a personal interest in this article as this situation is close to my heart currently.  Currently I have an important person in my life involved in a horrible relationship, this blog was my attempt to find answers, a way to vent, a bit of venting therapy...  I apologize in advance if it seems out of order, I wrote this when I was slightly upset...  

Ok, so to start… have you ever had a friend or family member in a relationship that was just horribly wrong for them???  (some of this might seem like a vent, it might be, I’m not sure, I apologize in advance :D  lol )  Everyone things this, everyone can see this…  yet… why can’t they?  They refuse to believe anything could be wrong, they think everything is just peachy and they are so happy.  Yet we can see the train wreck coming, we know it’s going to happen.  We try to talk to them about it, instead they get defensive, and make threats.  This is something that has happened to all of us, if not yet, it will. 

In an attempt to try and figure out why, as this topic is close to my heart.  For the sake of privacy reasons, we will refer to people as such:

Person close to me – Person A (male)

Person they are dating – Person B (female)

Here is the background story, Person A meets B, and at not a flattering time in Person B’s life.  However, Person B has a horrid history of using others, and behaviors that are highly toxic (individual specifics wont be given)  So no surprise when family and friends find out from Person A that they are seeing Person B not many people are happy!  (NONE in fact).  We can all see that Person B is doing nothing but using him, they are pushing a wedge between Person A and his family and friends.  The sad thing is Person A refuses to see this, they think it’s the family and friends causing the problems.  When all I want to do is scream…  “IF EVERYONE FEELS THE SAME WAY I DO THEN ITS NOT JUST ME!!! ITS HER!!! EVERYONE SEES IT BUT YOU!!! WAKE UP!!!”  It’s a sad situation really, because person B’s family and friends are all nasty, petty, immature, horrible people.  And that is who Person A is around all the time, not good…

SO, I’m on a quest… to find out WHY Person A is so blind in their relationship, why they can’t see the truth and reality of the situation like everyone else can. 

Well, there are two reasons… reasons on Person A and B’s side.  Lets start by discussing the side of person B.

Men are funny things…  they can be pretty selfish and stupid (blind) when it comes to relationships.   For example, Men don’t realize what they are doing, they don’t think.  They don’t think it’s a problem, they don’t think anything could be wrong.  Another is they might not know any better.  However, woman can also be passive-aggressive.  When a man is really soft hearted, a woman who is passive aggressive will take advantage of that, use them.  They can be under a lot of stress, this can cause them to find answers where none exist, and because they know (subconsciously) that something is wrong, they will lash out at family and friends, act different, etc. 

As for person B.  WOW, where do I start???  They are users, manipulators, controllers, which is abuse!  This person see’s an easy target and goes after it, they will suck them dry, fill their needs, and move on.  Or they might just sink their claws in, and not let go, they have someone who will do everything for them, so why let it go?  However, they wont be faithful, they will lie, cheat and steal.  Do what they can to get what they need and they will do whatever they can to divide and conquer.  If family or friends try to warn person A about B, person B will retaliate, try to drive a wedge between other relationships (family/friends) try to put distance between them.  Try to isolate them.  It’s not THEIR family and friends, THEIR hobbies, etc…   What causes person B to behave like this?  A personality disorder. 

An Article in Psychology Today describes three types of clusters for personality disorders, those include:

·         Cluster A – Odd and eccentric behaviors – Paranoid, Schizoid, and Schizotypal Personalities

·         Cluster B – highly dramatic, emotionally and behaviorally – Antisocial, borderline, narcissistic, and histrionic

·         Cluster C – anxious and fearful – Avoidant, dependent, and OCD

As for this person B, I’m going to go with Cluster B, this person deff falls into one of these personality disorders.  These disorders include personality traits of the following:  (with included examples from Person B)

·         Self-Centered (it’s about them, for example addiction being more important than family)

·         Refusal to accept personal responsibility for their behaviors (they did nothing wrong, they are amazing people ex. They are different now, nothing matters, how they screwed people over don’t matter now)

·         Self – Justification (has justification for everything, ex. it’s everyone else’s fault not theirs, they are the poor little victim)

·         Entitlement (they deserve money, respect, time, attention, etc .. ex. She should have what she wants, she made a huge mistake choosing addiction over family but it’s her it’s hers it’s hers, she should have it, screw whats best for all involved)

·         Shallow Emotions (able to detach and move on, ex. Picking addiction over family, cutting person A off from family and Friends)

·         Situational Morality (no personal or social boundaries, do what they have to to get what they want ex. Being disrespectful to person A’s family/friends, causing a rift, because it gets them Person B without any intelligent arguments against them)

·         Narcissism and Ineffective lives (being a narcissist and having multiple lives ex. The life you see, and the reality of Person B ie horrible person)

·         Social Disruption (need to be center of attention ex. Having all of person A, excluding family/friends)

·         Manipulative (controlling people to get what they want ex, tricking person A into thinking they are actually changed and a good person, when in reality they are using them, claiming to not want to cause a gab with family yet starting the arguments and alienating Person A from family/friends)

·         Dysfunctional Parents (persons with a PD (personality disorder) generally have dysfunctional parents, however this I don’t know of)

These behaviors can be consciously or subconsciously… To tell you need to look at Person B’s attitudes, relationships (that are impaired/and functional), and their social behaviors. 

Here are some ways to tell your in a negative relationship:

·         You don’t talk to family/friends as much as you used to

·         You don’t continue with hobbies you enjoyed (or other actives)

·         You don’t visit family/friends as often as you used to

·         Multiple people are telling you the same thing (that this is a bad person)

·         The person is disrespectful to family/friends – if they can treat your relations this way, they will eventually treat you this way, they have no respect for you if they do this also.

In my opinion, I think what is going on is that they (can be male or female) have the idea of what they think a relationship is, and that is what they see, they don’t see the actual reality of what is going on, who they are dating.   They are pretty much living in a fantasy world.   And anyone who tries to make them see reality is a threat.  They will threaten and give ultimatums.  When in reality, they are afraid to face the truth of their relationship, because they themselves know it’s not healthy.

So what do you do?  As much as it hurts there isn't much you can do, just to sit back and wait for it to self-destruct.  Because it WILL!  And I can say that I am looking forward to that day, but also I am dreading it, I don't want to see it happen because it will hurt Person A very badly.  I do not want them to be hurt.

Links to Articles:
http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/love-in-limbo/201012/four-reasons-smart-people-make-stupid-dating-decisions
http://dannimoss.wordpress.com/articles/finding-healing/controllers-abusers-manipulators-and-users-in-relationships/

Bullying = Abuse!!!

Bullying is something serious… something most all of us will experience in one form in our lifetime (either seeing it, having it done to us, or doing it to someone else…)

Understanding what bullying is, and its effects can help us out a lot. 

Types of Bullying

Emotional/Mental – this is when someone is emotionally abuse to you, verbally or physically, they will berate you, demean you, knock you down.  Use of Sarcastic comments they believe are funny, meant to embarrasses you, and hurt you, to lower your value in your eyes and in others eyes.

Verbal – similar to emotional and mental, except this is only through words not physical contact.  Name calling, racism, gender issues, socioeconomic, religion, etc… sarcastic comments, talking behind someone’s back, making offensive comments, etc…

Physical – any type of physical contact (pushing, hitting, kicking, punching, etc…), also throwing things and destroying things are included in physical bullying.

Intimidation/social isolation – threatening someone, using threats or blackmail to get someone to do what you want them to do, also spreading rumors, making fun of uniqueness in individuals, excluding someone specifically from a group of friends.

Cyberbullying – this has become even more popular in most recent years. Harassing someone online, through social networks, emails, websites, chat rooms, cell phones (calls or texts), videos (like youtube), anything online, or over the phone, or other technological arenas. 

Indirectly – this can be done by bullying someone else, the effects that someone has in witnessing this, those around them, etc… also this affects those in the life of the bullied.  They can develop personality/emotional issues that spill over into their personal lives.

How does a bully or bullying effect lives???  In SOOOO many ways, it’s not just their target that bullying will impact.  Those who witness the bullying will also have a reaction to bullying, the family and friends of the person who is bullied will also suffer some ill effects….

Effects of Bullying

Kids who are bullied experience a wide range of negative issues.  They can suffer from anxiety and/or depression, eating problems, loss of sleep, loss of interest in their hobbies, their school/work will also suffer – their performance will drop.

Those who witness bulling will also suffer some negative issues, including a possibly drop in attendance of work/school, can also suffer from depression or anxiety, and has an increased use of substances (like alcohol, drugs, tobacco, etc…)

It is also important to note the issues associated with those who bully others.  Bully’s will typically also participate in other negative behaviors (violence, drugs, etc)…  They are typically involved in promiscuity, turn into narcissists, have criminal records (traffic, more violent, etc…), and have a higher probability to be more abuse towards romantic partners, or friends.

As for my personal view/Experience:

Growing up I was lucky to have grown up in a location and attended a school where bullying really didn’t exist.  I never had first-hand experience with it really.  However, when I got older, I saw it multiple times, and have experienced it also.

I have experienced bullying in a professional arena (graduate school), and with friendships.  Both cases I will speak of are narcissistic bully’s. 

In school I have had the unfortunate experience to deal with a bully who uses emotional, mental,

intimidation, socially isolative, and verbal bullying.  These “mean girls” as they are called, walk around as if they own everything.  They treat others horribly, show no respect, intimidate others, make sarcastic comments in front of everyone, and exclude others.  They do these things to everyone who is not in their little “clique”….  This has taken its toll on a few others including me.  Stress is the main one, while we know what and who they are, ignoring them does not always work.  My blood will boil, and I get very angry.  Because it is a professional area, there really is not much that can be said in return.  They are great at saying things in a way they can protect themselves.  Hence, causing stress.  However, as time has gone one, ignoring has become quit easier. 

Another area I will talk of is friendships.  After years of friendship, during this time I was emotionally, verbally, mentally (other ways but I can’t place them) was bullied.  Sarcastic comments were constant.  I would make excuses for the behavior of this person.  Stating that it was just a shell, this wasn’t who they really were.  Yet it took its toll severely.  These comments become so common it was every single time I saw them.  Yet I would always include them, always have their back.  They were very rude, spoiled, with a sense of entitlement, didn’t care about anyone but themselves.  I saw the signs, I began to realize what I was dealing with.  I had started to come to the conclusion and made the decision that this was not the type of person I want in my life.  However, before I could sever this tie in a mature way, the tie was broken and not on my end.  In typical true narcissist or bully fashion, the second I stood up for myself once, the friendship was over, end of file, done…   Which did nothing but proved my previous suspicion of narcissism and a bully.  Speaking with several people in a professional therapeutic area, my suspicions were again conformed.  While I am glad this relation is over, I still suffer the effects of being drawn into a world of a narcissistic bully.  The emotional and mental abuse from the things done have stuck with me, and it’s taken some time to get past this.  It still hurts.  I think what hurts most is that I was stupid enough to believe they were an actual friend, that they valued the friendship as much as I did, that it meant something.  That because I was loyal they would be.  That because if they needed anything I would be there in a flash, yet never had that returned…

However, it is important to note, that while these bully’s will leave a lasting impact, and you will feel guilty, and hurt because of what happened, the problem is with THEM! Not you!  They are not good people, and not the people you want in your life.  They won’t realize who they are, they won’t see a problem.  They will portray themselves the victim.  They will say things behind your back, make things up, and excuses.  You cannot accept a relationship strictly on the good, you must take the arguments and bad with it, when this is not accepted, GET OUT!!!  These are narcissists, you are not allowed to threaten them, to stand up for yourself, anything…

Time goes on, you will heal eventually.  Hopefully with this blog, we can all keep our eyes open and stop the pattern of abuse.  This is abuse, that is what bullying is, ABUSE! 

Treat others with respect, be kind...  don't be responsible to for stealing someone's sunshine... and don't be a participant of it either.  By participating, or by seeing it and doing/saying nothing - by doing this you are just as guilty.  

Again, an important point that must be made, is bullying has a high link to suicide!  If you see or hear or know of anyone being bullied or a bully, please step in!!!  

How to Recover from Emotional Abuse

When a negative relationship ends (and by relationship I mean any form of relationship – family, friends, intimate, marriage, etc) it takes time to heal.  The relationship can end either by your choice, or not.  Even if it ends because of your choice, it still hurts, and it takes time to heal. 

To understand first we must understand what emotional abuse actually is…

Brainwashing – convincing you of many negative things, for example you’re not worth it, you’re not good enough.  Or your friends and family are bad don’t hang around them, they can say things like “I don’t really like your friends, maybe you shouldn’t be around them.  Don’t be there too long.  They aren’t really your friends, I’m more important” etc…

Verbal abuse – sarcastic comments one thinks is funny (BUT THEY ARENT), when in reality it’s hurtful, can be humiliating.  Negative statements towards or about you, or those you love or care about.  This attacks your emotional and mental state.

Judgments – this can go hand in hand with those above, they constantly make judgments on you, how you’re good enough, etc…

It is also important to understand the types of emotional predators there are:

False friends (fake, 2 faced) – they pretend to be your friends, yet they talk about your behind your

back.  They act like they care, like you are important to them.  But stand up for yourself and they flip out.  They will end the friendship, spread lies, and play the victim.  They will try to defame you. 

Boyfriends/girlfriends – they will manipulate you, they treat you horribly in front of people or in private.  They try to separate you from your friends, end the friendships, because they know your friends see it, and they fear being found out.  They will slowly crack away at your self-esteem, making you think you can’t get better to keep you with them.

Narcissists – arrogant, self-entitled, selfish people.  We all know who these are!

Here are a list of traits of emotional predators, they can apply to the above categories and fit those who don’t fit into the above categories:  (important to note, they won’t hit every single one of these, one can apply to them, or more, if so they are an emotional predator)

•          They believe they are better then everyone else, they come of snobby, and act like they are worth a million dollars.  They live beyond their means, they try to portray that they have so much more than you; yet can convince others to always pay for them. 
•          They enjoy being the center of attention, they want all attention on them, when it’s not they will try.
•          They try to dominate everything: plans, events, conversations, etc
•          Sense of entitlement, large ego’s
•          They are secretly envious of others, they embellish their accomplishments and try to put others accomplishments down
•          They constantly put themselves first, above others feelings, wants, and needs
•          Have a need for praise, and approval
  
•          They will try to gain sympathy for the littlest things
•          Behave as if they are in charge of everything, that they are the main important person
•          Unreasonable expectations
•          Uninterested in other people’s problems
•          Most importantly!  They can never accept blame, or their part in problems, everyone else is always to blame, not them.

If you are unsure as to if you’re in an emotionally abusive relationship, chances are you are.  If you have looked at the previous and done some thinking as to wow that could be true, oh but not fully… then you are in an emotionally abusive relationship. 

Now that we can understand the types of emotional abuse, how do we recover once the relationship has ended?  Like most things, it will take time.  You will grieve, and hurt, and second guess your choices (which are all normal).  After some time, you will begin to feel better; however there are some steps you should take:

First you must correct the cognitive distortions that have plagued your mind throughout the relationship and after.  You must begin to reframe your thoughts, change the negatives to a positive.  When you start to slip into those negative thoughts, first recognize you are doing, it’s ok!  Next step is to just stop thinking about it, and force yourself to think of positive things.  One of the best things you can do, is to list 5 things you are thankful for, each time you feel negative thoughts enter, just take a few minutes to go over those thankful things, it will cheer you up!  If your still struggling, then keep going past 5 items.  Another tip, is before you fall asleep, and right when you wake up before getting out of bed, list all the things you are thankful for to yourself, this will help put your mind in a positive place… for example “I’m thankful I woke up, I’m thankful I’m alive, I’m thankful for my family (list the family members by name, each time saying your thankful for them), I’m thankful for my pets, etc…)

Second is learning to stop negative talk.  This happens without even realizing it.  We need to start thinking of ourselves not as victims, but of survivors!  Saying things like “I’m not good enough” say to yourself, “I am good enough, I am awesome… they don’t deserve me”, this is something that will take time, and can be very hard to do without the help of a therapist who knows how to pick up on all the types of negative talk ques.  But it’s something you can try at home.

Third what you should do is stay busy.  Discover some new hobbies, new things you enjoy doing.  Going on walks with your dog, painting, exercising, reading, drawing, writing, etc…  Keeping yourself busy with things you enjoy will help fill the days, and keep you happy, fulfilled and busy.

Fourth, make plans!  Having something to look forward to helps give a little bit of excitement in your life.  Plan a day trip with your friends, or even a dinner night, or shopping trip.  A movie even.  Any little thing you want.  Having something to look forward to also keeps your mind busy, and happy, and fulfilled. 

And finally a good support system is also a plus.  You don’t need 50 people there either, just one or two you can trust.  Who are loyal, understanding, caring and WILL be there for you.  They must understand that healing from a ended healthy relationship is a lot different than healing from an emotionally abusive one.  They will understand and support you, help to keep you busy, listen to when you need to talk, and support your choices and decisions. 

Self-aware, be aware of how you are feeling, let yourself feel these things.  There are times when you will feel sad, this ok, feel sad.  But don’t let it take over. 

Time, time, time…  it will take time to get over the emotional predator, they have made a huge impact in your life, they have manipulated you, and hurt you.  It is completely understandable to feel hurt, and for that to take time to heal.  Everyone heals at a different pace; do not think it will be over night.  Follow the steps above, and one day you will wake up, and feel fantastic, you won’t know how or when it happened like that, but it just will.

It is important to remember that you were NOT the problem.  THEY ARE!!!