Have you ever been around those people who drain you? Who make you feel like it takes more effort
to be around them than others? Do you
have friends who seem to rule your life, run over your thoughts and
feelings? Do you have family who come to
visit and just don’t leave? Well, looks
like you might need to start setting some healthy boundaries… This blog will discuss what healthy boundaries
are, the benefits of them, and how to make them.
First let’s examine why people lack healthy boundaries…. There
can be a couple of reason; the main
reason is a lack of self-esteem/confidence. Because we lack this, we let people run over
us. Another reason can be how we were
raised, if we were raised in a dysfunctional family (which lacks healthy boundaries)
this can prevent us from understanding, and learning how to create healthy boundaries
from an early age. We can also have been
through some emotional, physical, mental abuse, which ticks away at our self-worth,
and self-esteem, which again, leads back to the first. Fear and guilt are two reasons why we do not
enforce boundaries when we know we need them, fear of rejection, being abandoned,
confrontation, and guilt for doing so.
Now let’s discuss what boundaries actually are. Boundaries are limits we put on things we
will and won’t accept. They are
incidences in when we will block what we don’t like from occurring. However, boundaries are not walls that we
build up around ourselves to protect ourselves from people, boundaries instead
are like small fences that go around ourselves.
Having clear, but firm boundaries help us to define our relationships
and ourselves, without these boundaries we are allowing dysfunctional
relationships to overrule your life.
Which will cause a lot of stress, drama, feelings of being tired, lack
of stimuli, etc… By setting healthy
boundaries these can be avoided. There are
two types of boundaries, physical and emotional/mental.
Physical boundaries – include your body, personal space,
privacy. Examples of unhealthy physical
boundaries include boundaries from inappropriate touching, looking through
others’ personal files/emails, not allowing others into your personal space
(without permission).
Emotional/Mental boundaries – self-esteem, feelings. Including beliefs, behaviors, choices,
responsibility, and ability to be intimate with others. Some examples of unhealthy emotional/mental
boundaries include not understanding how to separate your feelings from your
partners feelings, and letting a partner/friend’s mood dictate your mood, sacrificing
your plans/dreams/goals to please others, not taking responsibility for
yourself and blaming others for problems.
Healthy boundaries are highly beneficial, for many
reasons. Some include: (from
positivelypostiive)
· “Have high self-esteem and self-respect.
· Share personal information gradually, in a
mutually sharing and trusting relationship.
· Protect physical and emotional space from
intrusion.
· Have an equal partnership where
responsibility and power are shared.
· Be assertive. Confidently and truthfully say
“yes” or “no” and be okay when others say “no” to you.
· Separate your needs, thoughts, feelings, and
desires from others. Recognize that your boundaries and needs are different
from others.
·
Empower yourself to make healthy choices and take responsibility for
yourself.”
Unhealthy boundaries’
are characterized by: (from positivelypostiive)
· “ Sharing
too much too soon or, at the other end of the spectrum, closing yourself off
and not expressing your need and wants.
· Feeling responsible for other’s happiness.
· Inability to say “no” for fear of rejection
or abandonment.
· Weak sense of your own identity. You base how
you feel about yourself on how others treat you.
·
Disempowerment. You allow others to make decisions for you;
consequently, you feel powerless and do not take responsibility for your own
life.”
So what
are some tips to create healthy boundaries’?
There are a few steps you can take:
First you
should identify where the problem areas are, learn to identify when you need to
set a boundary, be able to identify who, what, when, where, and why in regards
to this boundary, and problem. Get to know
yourself, know your priorities, feelings, emotions, and wants/needs.
Next is
understanding while you can control yourself, you cannot control others. While you might be willing to not violate
others boundaries, does not mean people will grant you that same respect. Knowing that you are responsible for
communicating your boundaries to others, and communicate them in a calm,
respectful tone, manner. Expect that
there will be push back, expect that people will react in a way that will test
these boundaries at first, simply because they are conditioned to you not
having them. Be prepared to handle this
is an understanding, yet firm way.
You might
begin to feel (and others might try to make you feel) guilty about these, you
might feel selfish, angry, or embarrassed.
But keep setting these boundaries, stay firm. Self-care is highly important, and you need
to make yourself happy. However, be
careful you do not want to violate the rights, feelings, boundaries of others.
Setting
boundaries are not just for others, but for yourself. Don’t spent time being resentful, or
complaining, this is when you need to set a boundary. Don’t violate the rights, boundaries of
others, and respect personal space and privacy of others.
Build a
system for support, people who understand and respect you, and your values, and
opinions. Those who will help motivate
you, help you through the boundary setting stage.
Remember
that when setting boundaries it is important to keep in mind these key tips:
- Start small – don’t overwhelm yourself at first,
if you know you lack boundaries you need to take steps in to learn yourself,
others, and how to set them.
- Stay firm, yet calm – don’t back down, stick to
your boundaries, however do so in a calm, and rational way, yelling and
screaming and being irrational will not help the situation, only make it worse.
- Don’t feel guilty, self-care is highly
important, take care of yourself, it’s ok to do so.
- Learning your boundaries takes time, don’t
expect everything to change overnight, it is a process, why you start small,
with baby steps.
Setting boundaries is important for ourselves, they help us
to develop good healthy relationships, self-esteem, and less stress, to be
happy. Having healthy boundaries helps
to set a good balance in our life, without balance in our personal life, our
professional life and other area’s can start to have problems, stress will
linger over to others, blurring the lines.
We must have healthy boundaries and balance in our lives.
A piece of personal advice:
Recently I had begun to notice that I had no boundaries, I would hang out with people and feel like it
was work to do so. I would feel stressed
out, drained, tired. I’d also feel hurt,
and rejected at times. The snide
comments that they thought were funny, really were not. They hurt my feelings, they made me angry,
yet I didn’t say anything, I’d brush it off, but I’d pay for it later when I
got home. My feelings were not
considered, nor were my opinions. When
we would make plans, or go somewhere who cared what I wanted to do, it was what
they wanted to do, when they wanted to do it.
Nothing else mattered but them. I
saw this, and I hated this. For months
this bothered me. So I finally said
enough is enough, time to put up boundaries.
The next time I was encountered
with those abusive comments, I did not handle it well. I snapped back, but I defended myself! It felt great. I finally stood up for myself, I stood my
ground! However, I am no longer friends
with this person now, and that does hurt.
Apparently it’s only a friendship when I do what they want, how dare I
have an opinion of my own. Granted I did
not follow the steps above, I did snap back in my own defense, and I didn’t
speak clearly and calm. However, if
there was ever a true friendship, it wouldn’t have mattered.
Please be aware, that while building healthy boundaries some
will not accept this, they will fight back, and sometimes end
relationships. Remember that while this
hurts, that is fine. It is what is
best. If they
were true friends, it
wouldn’t have mattered. They would have
respected you. Don’t fall back into that
pattern of bending over backwards to please others. It is unhealthy and will take its toll on
you. You will lose friendships, but you
will also gain some. Those who are worth
it, will respect your boundaries and you respect theirs.
Remember, you are JUST as important, your feelings,
thoughts, beliefs, etc are just as important as everyone else’s. If they want you to respect theirs, they must
respect yours.
Sources:
Healthy boundaries, good priorities--successful life!
Saga Stevin. Business Credit
How to set boundaries for a healthy relationship
Anonymous. Daily Gleaner
Somatic : Instead
of using their intelligence like the previous example, this one uses their
body. Very lustful, they think they are "Gods". Always has multiple sex partners, this is
very normal.
