When a negative relationship ends (and by relationship I
mean any form of relationship – family, friends, intimate, marriage, etc) it
takes time to heal. The relationship can
end either by your choice, or not. Even if
it ends because of your choice, it still hurts, and it takes time to heal.
To understand first we must understand what emotional abuse
actually is…
Brainwashing – convincing you of many negative things, for
example you’re not worth it, you’re not good enough. Or your friends and family are bad don’t hang
around them, they can say things like “I don’t really like your friends, maybe
you shouldn’t be around them. Don’t be
there too long. They aren’t really your
friends, I’m more important” etc…
Verbal abuse – sarcastic comments one thinks is funny (BUT
THEY ARENT), when in reality it’s hurtful, can be humiliating. Negative statements towards or about you, or
those you love or care about. This
attacks your emotional and mental state.
Judgments – this can go hand in hand with those above, they
constantly make judgments on you, how you’re good enough, etc…
It is also important to understand the types of emotional
predators there are:
False friends (fake, 2 faced) – they pretend to be your
friends, yet they talk about your behind your
back. They act like they care, like you are
important to them. But stand up for
yourself and they flip out. They will
end the friendship, spread lies, and play the victim. They will try to defame you.
Boyfriends/girlfriends – they will manipulate you, they
treat you horribly in front of people or in private. They try to separate you from your friends,
end the friendships, because they know your friends see it, and they fear being
found out. They will slowly crack away
at your self-esteem, making you think you can’t get better to keep you with
them.
Narcissists – arrogant, self-entitled, selfish people. We all know who these are!
Here are a list of traits of emotional predators, they can
apply to the above categories and fit those who don’t fit into the above categories: (important to note, they won’t hit every
single one of these, one can apply to them, or more, if so they are an emotional
predator)
- They believe they are better then everyone else, they come of snobby, and act like they are worth a million dollars. They live beyond their means, they try to portray that they have so much more than you; yet can convince others to always pay for them.
- They enjoy being the center of attention, they want all attention on them, when it’s not they will try.
- They try to dominate everything: plans, events, conversations, etc
- Sense of entitlement, large ego’s
- They are secretly envious of others, they embellish their accomplishments and try to put others accomplishments down
- They constantly put themselves first, above others feelings, wants, and needs
- Have a need for praise, and approval
- They will try to gain sympathy for the littlest things
- Behave as if they are in charge of everything, that they are the main important person
- Unreasonable expectations
- Uninterested in other people’s problems
- Most importantly! They can never accept blame, or their part in problems, everyone else is always to blame, not them.
If you are unsure as to if you’re in an emotionally abusive
relationship, chances are you are. If
you have looked at the previous and done some thinking as to wow that could be
true, oh but not fully… then you are in an emotionally abusive
relationship.
Now that we can understand the types of emotional abuse, how
do we recover once the relationship has ended?
Like most things, it will take time.
You will grieve, and hurt, and second guess your choices (which are all
normal). After some time, you will begin
to feel better; however there are some steps you should take:
First you must correct the cognitive distortions that have
plagued your mind throughout the relationship and after. You must begin to reframe your thoughts,
change the negatives to a positive. When
you start to slip into those negative thoughts, first recognize you are doing,
it’s ok! Next step is to just stop
thinking about it, and force yourself to think of positive things. One of the best things you can do, is to list
5 things you are thankful for, each time you feel negative thoughts enter, just
take a few minutes to go over those thankful things, it will cheer you up! If your still struggling, then keep going
past 5 items. Another tip, is before you
fall asleep, and right when you wake up before getting out of bed, list all the
things you are thankful for to yourself, this will help put your mind in a
positive place… for example “I’m thankful I woke up, I’m thankful I’m alive,
I’m thankful for my family (list the family members by name, each time saying
your thankful for them), I’m thankful for my pets, etc…)
Second is learning to stop negative talk. This happens without even realizing it. We need to start thinking of ourselves not as
victims, but of survivors! Saying things
like “I’m not good enough” say to yourself, “I am good enough, I am awesome…
they don’t deserve me”, this is something that will take time, and can be very
hard to do without the help of a therapist who knows how to pick up on all the
types of negative talk ques. But it’s
something you can try at home.
Third what you should do is stay busy. Discover some new hobbies, new things you
enjoy doing. Going on walks with your
dog, painting, exercising, reading, drawing, writing, etc… Keeping yourself busy with things you enjoy
will help fill the days, and keep you happy, fulfilled and busy.
Fourth, make plans!
Having something to look forward to helps give a little bit of
excitement in your life. Plan a day trip
with your friends, or even a dinner night, or shopping trip. A movie even.
Any little thing you want. Having
something to look forward to also keeps your mind busy, and happy, and
fulfilled.
And finally a good support system is also a plus. You don’t need 50 people there either, just
one or two you can trust. Who are loyal,
understanding, caring and WILL be there for you. They must understand that healing from a
ended healthy relationship is a lot different than healing from an emotionally
abusive one. They will understand and
support you, help to keep you busy, listen to when you need to talk, and
support your choices and decisions.
Self-aware, be aware of how you are feeling, let yourself
feel these things. There are times when
you will feel sad, this ok, feel sad.
But don’t let it take over.
Time, time, time… it
will take time to get over the emotional predator, they have made a huge impact
in your life, they have manipulated you, and hurt you. It is completely understandable to feel hurt,
and for that to take time to heal.
Everyone heals at a different pace; do not think it will be over
night. Follow the steps above, and one
day you will wake up, and feel fantastic, you won’t know how or when it
happened like that, but it just will.
It is important to remember that you were NOT the
problem. THEY ARE!!!
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