Lately been doing lots of thinking… about relationships and
putting boundaries in them… With Easter this weekend, was thinking maybe a good
time to put up another blog…
Relationships are fragile things. We build on them for years, give them time
and energy that can’t be given back. We
put that out there with the trust that the other person will reciprocate the
same respect back. You can spend years
on a single person, making memories, forming trust, and deeper
relationships. Friendships or with a significant
other.
Then one day you notice things, you see things a little
differently. You see that you put in
more to your relationships then the other parties. You give 110% and get maybe 40% back if
that. You start to wonder if something
is up, what is going on? Why does this
other person not appreciate and value this relationship any longer?
Then you realize that regardless of what is going on with
the others person and how they are treating you, 50% of that is your
fault. You have allowed this treatment
over time, you have allowed them to abuse your relationship. You see that there is a need for boundaries…
you find this hard to do simply because you are used to always being there 24/7
no matter yet. Yet you realize that it
is not healthy for you to do so, especially when that is not appreciated.
“People treat you how you allow them to treat you…” –Unknown
This quote stands out, you decide it’s time to finally to
put up some boundaries, to stand up for yourself. To do what it takes to make yourself
happy! You feel great about this
decision, thinking that things will change…
However, they do change… just not the way you thought. Once you put up the healthy boundaries, you
notice that this relationships fall about, or are no longer there no more, or
have changed. Which makes you feel worse…
You start to wonder why people do these things? How can they let this happen? Wasn’t this an important relationship to them
too? How dumb were you to fall for that
crap and put up with it for so long?
Yet for some reason you can’t help but be hurt, you can’t
help but want to fall back into your usual pattern, to apologize just to end
the “problems” even when you know it’s
not your fault.
When you try to discuss things with these people, fights
break out. They tend to gaslight, to try
and twist things and make it seem like you’re the one in the wrong and they are
the victims of this situation when in fact, THEY caused the problems, they
refuse to see this, they refuse to acknowledge that they could possibly be in
the wrong, that they could possibly be the horrible half of the
relationship. They see you as the one in the wrong, how DARE
you change?! How DARE you stand up for
yourself?
They will then turn around, and play the victim in the situation to everyone, trying to put everyone on their side...
This is what we call a classic narcissist. You are confused and hurt because you were
just stuck in a circle of crap spewed by them.
Since research narcissists I never realized how many are
actually out there!!! This is shocking,
upsetting, and scary to think about.
Statistics show that 1 in every 3 people is a narcissist. How freaky is that!?
Here are some classic traits of narcissists in a
relationship:
Everything is fine as long as you do what they want, the
second you develop a mind of your own, all hell breaks loose…
They don’t consider your feelings, in a group of people you’re
the least important, even if it’s your event, it has to happen their way
They let others influence their time, opinions, etc with
other friends
They tend to flock together, they like to build a following
They are always “too busy”
They make plans then leave them for something/someone else
They don’t answer your calls, everything is on THEIR time
They are always the victim, they can never be wrong, it’s
always you
The only thing that matters is them and their following, if
your not in it, well you don’t matter
When they are upset with you, they replace you, knowing it
hurts you, they don’t care
They care only about what makes them happy
They don’t go out of their way to help others
They always have an excuse
When confronted, they will try to twist the situation and
make excuses instead of accepting responsibility (then they play the victim...)
The list can go on and on… pretty much to sum it up, a narcissist
is only conserved about them and their little following, as long as it benefits
them, they are selfish, and self-serving…
They don’t make time for you, they replace you easily, they let others
influence their other relationships, and don’t take others feelings into
account. The biggest of all, is they don’t
see what they are doing, when things are brought to their attention, they
gaslight, they try to twist it and make it your fault some how, they make
excuses, they refuse to accept responsibility in simply saying “oops I messed
up, my bad”… the second you stand up for yourself, your out… the relationship
is over…
I know this seems kinda down and glum for the Easter weekend…
however, the reason I posted this is because I have seen a lot of this lately,
and being in a negative relationship, especially one with a Narcissists is
hard, and can hurt you deeply, can take a lot to get over, and that is only
ONCE you realize what is going on. Most
people don’t know they are in a revolving door with a narc. An emotional predator… those that suck the life out of you, self-serving,
selfish, self-centered…
I have been sucked into relationship with narcs a few times,
and it amazes me how I can still be tricked by it, how it can keep happening,
and it’s important to note that each narc is different… Yet it still don’t hurt less… it’s hard to
remember that your not the problem, they are.
I have some pretty awesome true friends though. They are there for me when I need them, they
always
I know I'm not perfect, and I know I can down right crabby at times, but I thank you all for stickin by me, because your awesome :D
Why can't I seem to let go? Why do I let the actions of those influence my feelings and mood so much? Why do I care?
You NAILED it!!! The reason those of us who love a narcissist cannot seem to give up on them and walk away is we have empathy, we have compassion, we truly do love, and because of that we do not believe in giving up on people. They can hurt us again and again and we forgive, we justify it for them, we become co-dependent. There is a part of us that doesn't want to hurt them, but the truth is....they have no feelings to hurt. They will replace us immediately with a new lackey. Yet we hold on to that guilty feeling when we consider ditching the narcissistic asshat, "What If I hurt him/her??!!"
ReplyDeleteIn the end it hurts us more than it hurts them to give up on them. Then we have to face our own shame when we look in the mirror...all the feelings of failing to make it work...failing to help that person....failing to be good enough to be respected. It can kill our self esteem. Sometimes it is easier to stay in the relationship and accept the bullshit that we are fed rather than to face the hard truth and deal with our negative self talk that results....the narcissist will move on and not miss a beat but for us it takes YEARS to get back to normal....to be strong again....to forgive ourselves. Then low and behold...a new charismatic Manson-figure reels us in....and so it begins again.
We MUST break free of them and we MUST share the tell-tale signs to help others avoid getting caught up in the narcissist's web....let them learn from our mistakes <3
That is so true... How they can not care, and just go on like nothing, and not care when there has been something there for so long is beyond me. That just shows how shallow, unfeeling, uncaring, and inconsiderate selfish self-serving asshat that they are... I mean who does that?!?! Seriously... Thats how you know they are a Narc, if they can move on and not care? Really??? That ticks me off... because I'm sorry I cared enough to not want to hurt you, I'm sorry I valued you more than that... and I'm sorry your such a asshat you don't care... makes sense why you can't keep a relationship of any kind for long...
Deletestill hurts though... jerks! lol
Hi Princesslele.
ReplyDeleteWell written article you have here.
Unfortunately myself have been duped by a 19yr old female Narc some years ago.
The females tend to love Narc supply from older emotionally mature men & yes it is very scary that there are so many Narcs out there and counting, not only male but a lot of females as well and starting from a very young age.
As was mentioned in your writing, I also knew nothing about Narcissism previously for a long time until a couple months ago after a very long and painful two years of struggling to unravel why this person wanted to be with me so badly but then after giving her my all, would shoot me multiple times & just leave me there for dead without any remorse or an ounce of concern at all while going about her happy life like things never meant anything.
Masks are a Narc's best friend & they wear them everyday!
I empathize with your every word and wish you well in your recovery. It takes a long time and there are many difficult stages.
The anger and hurt stage are the most difficult but eventually you will get past it and then the other processes will be a little less heavier on you.
My experience with the Narc only lasted about 6 months but I am still in the process myself after two long years of psychological trauma.
Keep GOD & genuine people around you.
Also there are a lot of great resources about Narcs on the Web that can help you. Here is one I recommend: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GuhfFDVDAL0
More of Melanie's great info at: http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/
All the best & may GOD Bless you with healing, light and the love you deserve in your life. :)
Thank you for your response...
DeleteMy ex was a Narc... I also must deal with one in a professional arena, so there really is not anything I can do about that, just being aware helps though...
What frustrates me, is the narcs I've become friends with, and not known tell something happened... Then I sit back and think, What the heck?! How did I get duped again?!?!?! lol
It's just really frustrating, because even though I know thats what the problem is, and that is who they are, and not someone I want in my life, it still hurts ya know...
But I will keep on pushing forward!!! I have some awesome friends and I am very lucky to have them in my life!! :D