How to Recover from Emotional Abuse

When a negative relationship ends (and by relationship I mean any form of relationship – family, friends, intimate, marriage, etc) it takes time to heal.  The relationship can end either by your choice, or not.  Even if it ends because of your choice, it still hurts, and it takes time to heal. 

To understand first we must understand what emotional abuse actually is…

Brainwashing – convincing you of many negative things, for example you’re not worth it, you’re not good enough.  Or your friends and family are bad don’t hang around them, they can say things like “I don’t really like your friends, maybe you shouldn’t be around them.  Don’t be there too long.  They aren’t really your friends, I’m more important” etc…

Verbal abuse – sarcastic comments one thinks is funny (BUT THEY ARENT), when in reality it’s hurtful, can be humiliating.  Negative statements towards or about you, or those you love or care about.  This attacks your emotional and mental state.

Judgments – this can go hand in hand with those above, they constantly make judgments on you, how you’re good enough, etc…

It is also important to understand the types of emotional predators there are:

False friends (fake, 2 faced) – they pretend to be your friends, yet they talk about your behind your

back.  They act like they care, like you are important to them.  But stand up for yourself and they flip out.  They will end the friendship, spread lies, and play the victim.  They will try to defame you. 

Boyfriends/girlfriends – they will manipulate you, they treat you horribly in front of people or in private.  They try to separate you from your friends, end the friendships, because they know your friends see it, and they fear being found out.  They will slowly crack away at your self-esteem, making you think you can’t get better to keep you with them.

Narcissists – arrogant, self-entitled, selfish people.  We all know who these are!

Here are a list of traits of emotional predators, they can apply to the above categories and fit those who don’t fit into the above categories:  (important to note, they won’t hit every single one of these, one can apply to them, or more, if so they are an emotional predator)

•          They believe they are better then everyone else, they come of snobby, and act like they are worth a million dollars.  They live beyond their means, they try to portray that they have so much more than you; yet can convince others to always pay for them. 
•          They enjoy being the center of attention, they want all attention on them, when it’s not they will try.
•          They try to dominate everything: plans, events, conversations, etc
•          Sense of entitlement, large ego’s
•          They are secretly envious of others, they embellish their accomplishments and try to put others accomplishments down
•          They constantly put themselves first, above others feelings, wants, and needs
•          Have a need for praise, and approval
  
•          They will try to gain sympathy for the littlest things
•          Behave as if they are in charge of everything, that they are the main important person
•          Unreasonable expectations
•          Uninterested in other people’s problems
•          Most importantly!  They can never accept blame, or their part in problems, everyone else is always to blame, not them.

If you are unsure as to if you’re in an emotionally abusive relationship, chances are you are.  If you have looked at the previous and done some thinking as to wow that could be true, oh but not fully… then you are in an emotionally abusive relationship. 

Now that we can understand the types of emotional abuse, how do we recover once the relationship has ended?  Like most things, it will take time.  You will grieve, and hurt, and second guess your choices (which are all normal).  After some time, you will begin to feel better; however there are some steps you should take:

First you must correct the cognitive distortions that have plagued your mind throughout the relationship and after.  You must begin to reframe your thoughts, change the negatives to a positive.  When you start to slip into those negative thoughts, first recognize you are doing, it’s ok!  Next step is to just stop thinking about it, and force yourself to think of positive things.  One of the best things you can do, is to list 5 things you are thankful for, each time you feel negative thoughts enter, just take a few minutes to go over those thankful things, it will cheer you up!  If your still struggling, then keep going past 5 items.  Another tip, is before you fall asleep, and right when you wake up before getting out of bed, list all the things you are thankful for to yourself, this will help put your mind in a positive place… for example “I’m thankful I woke up, I’m thankful I’m alive, I’m thankful for my family (list the family members by name, each time saying your thankful for them), I’m thankful for my pets, etc…)

Second is learning to stop negative talk.  This happens without even realizing it.  We need to start thinking of ourselves not as victims, but of survivors!  Saying things like “I’m not good enough” say to yourself, “I am good enough, I am awesome… they don’t deserve me”, this is something that will take time, and can be very hard to do without the help of a therapist who knows how to pick up on all the types of negative talk ques.  But it’s something you can try at home.

Third what you should do is stay busy.  Discover some new hobbies, new things you enjoy doing.  Going on walks with your dog, painting, exercising, reading, drawing, writing, etc…  Keeping yourself busy with things you enjoy will help fill the days, and keep you happy, fulfilled and busy.

Fourth, make plans!  Having something to look forward to helps give a little bit of excitement in your life.  Plan a day trip with your friends, or even a dinner night, or shopping trip.  A movie even.  Any little thing you want.  Having something to look forward to also keeps your mind busy, and happy, and fulfilled. 

And finally a good support system is also a plus.  You don’t need 50 people there either, just one or two you can trust.  Who are loyal, understanding, caring and WILL be there for you.  They must understand that healing from a ended healthy relationship is a lot different than healing from an emotionally abusive one.  They will understand and support you, help to keep you busy, listen to when you need to talk, and support your choices and decisions. 

Self-aware, be aware of how you are feeling, let yourself feel these things.  There are times when you will feel sad, this ok, feel sad.  But don’t let it take over. 

Time, time, time…  it will take time to get over the emotional predator, they have made a huge impact in your life, they have manipulated you, and hurt you.  It is completely understandable to feel hurt, and for that to take time to heal.  Everyone heals at a different pace; do not think it will be over night.  Follow the steps above, and one day you will wake up, and feel fantastic, you won’t know how or when it happened like that, but it just will.

It is important to remember that you were NOT the problem.  THEY ARE!!! 

Anxiety

Anxiety… it’s a major issue that affects many…  I myself suffer from bouts of anxiety, and it is not joke!!!  I decided to write a blog that might help explain some of whats going on with your body, how it affects your body, and ways to deal with it (healthy ways, without medications!)

Anxiety not only affects your mental state, but also your physical body as well. 

First it is important to note, that at some point in their lives, everyone will experience anxiety at some point.  The more you understand and know, the better able you are to deal with problems when they arise…

When your body experiences anxiety, it goes into a state called “fight or flight”.  Many of us have heard of this, but don’t really understand what this is.  Anxiety (fight or flight) can be beneficial at times, for example if your camping in the woods, and encounter a wild animal, fight or flight kicks in, which gives you the energy to run, or to stay and fight.  When your body enters fight or flight mode your body begins to prepare for that stressor. 

Your body begins to produce adrenaline, which gives you more energy and strength, the body produces epinephrine, this allows you to make snap quick actions in direction (in case of fighting for your life, or running away from danger).   Your muscles will also being to tense up, this is also to help you in fight or flight against a stressor (or danger).

Your heart will begin to beat faster, to give oxygen to your muscles, this also causes your breathing to speed up (this is why when someone is experiencing anxiety, with no major stressor, panic attacks can be common).

Digestion will slow (because this will waste energy, that your body can use against the stressor), your blood sugar will increase, this is to help provide fuel for your body.

The above listed symptoms of anxiety show how it can be beneficial in a dangerous situation when presented with a stressor.  However, imagine what this can do to your body if you are not in this situation. 

Anxiety from stress, can be dangerous for your body.  Your body is producing and acting in a way to enable you protect yourself, however if your body is not in need of this, this adrenaline has nowhere to go.   And this is where your body can be damaged, and the problems begin.

Because of that, some of the symptoms people might experience include:

Panic attacks

Sweating

Cramping (of the muscles)

Upset stomach and nausea

Chest pains

Numb/tingling sensations

Dizziness and a feeling of being lightheaded

Anxiety will not only affect your body, but also your mind, your thoughts.  And because of this your behaviors.  Anxiety will lead to thoughts of fear, and panic.  Anxiety can make you feel like your losing control, or dying.  Which can cause us to make rash, quick decisions without thinking them through. 

They can cause us to be short and snapy with the people around us.

While suffering from anxiety and a panic attack, it can be very scary!  Here are some ways to cope with that:

Cognitive-Behavioral therapy would be the number  1 way to deal with anxiety.  If it is to the point where this is impacting your life more than not, the only way to cure this is through therapy.  

Medication will not work, medication is NOT meant as a long term fix, only short turn during therapy.  Therefore medication is NOT the answer.  Therapy is the only sure fire way to cure an anxiety disorder.

However, if you cannot get to or see a therapist here is some idea’s to help during the mist of anxiety or a panic attack:

First, stop what your doing, recognize that this is an anxiety attack, this is temporary, this will go away.

Second, try to regulate your breathing, meditate…  take slow deep breaths, and focus your thoughts on something calming and soothing.

Self-care is also important, set aside some time at the end of the day, to unwind and relax in a calming

atmosphere.  For everyone this is different, this could be a walk with the dog, a long bath, listening to calming music, etc… find whatever works for you and give yourself this time to unwind.   Exercise, and eat healthy.  Exercise is a great way to release stress, and anxiety.  Eating right will help your body function better, and have a good sleep pattern.

Keep educated and informed about anxiety, try to keep a journal, so you can identify what causes and triggers these attacks. 

I know for myself, it is stress.  When I get too stressed out, or too angry I begin to experience anxiety, which leads to panic attacks.  There was one night, just sitting on the computer playing a game I started to have serious breathing problems and had to go into the ER.  This happens to me when I let myself experience too much too much stress or anger for a period of time with no self-care. 

Anxiety is serious, if basic at home things do not work, consult a therapist as soon as possible.

FAKE!!!

So…  I’ve been thinking of what my next blog should be, and I keep seeing things that stand out…

FAKES!  That is the topic of this blog…

There are various types of fake people, each are equally emotionally draining…

The first I will talk about is the basic narcissist, emotional predator, they are fake friends, they drain you… use you, don’t care about you… they are mean and rude to you.  And the second you start to put

in a healthy boundary for yourself, and say “NO” they can’t handle it, that’s when you realize you were taken advantage of, used, and lied to the whole time…  They can’t handle it!  So they either treat you like crap, or stop talking to you.  And “WHY” I ask?  Because they weren’t really true friends to begin with.  Once this happens, you start to realize, wow… no wonder they don’t have any other friends, no wonder they can’t keep friends, why didn’t I see this?  Remember, YOU ARE NOT TO BLAME!!!  They are at fault, not you… they couldn’t see the good person you are, and they weren’t worth it!!! 

The second I’m going to talk about is the “fake friend” they are borderline narcs, they are great to be around, you can make plans with, go hang out with, have fun with, however ONLY when it is beneficial to them.  You come in last, your feelings don’t matter.  If you make plans?  They will change them and if you can’t make it, tuff!  Even if it’s an event YOU planned. They will cancel last minute, and give some bullshit excuse as to “family” or something so if you get mad they can turn it around on you.  What the heck man?!  Again, you hardly realize this tell it’s too late, and by then the damage is done, your hurt, and confused… you don’t understand why they would treat you like this?  Fortunately this isn’t you, this is THEM…  their problem, they’re not loyal, honest, or truthful….  They are selfish and self-absorbed… NOT worth it!

Third would be the attention getters… OH my gosh, this frustrates me so bad.  They are the ones who

post every detail of their days on facebook, or tell you over and over, looking for attention.  They talk about how much harder things are for them, how they have to struggle, how they have it sooooo bad.  Come on, we all know that type…  They will post about the SAME stuff over and over, just to get attention.  When you just want to scream at them WE GET IT!!! GET OVER IT!!!  But you wont, because that would hurt their feelings.  Because simply they have no life, they want to grasp at any attention they can get in any way.  When in reality, they have a really sad and boring life, and will do anything to get any form of attention they can.  When in reality, they are lazy, they have time just don’t do anything.  They are social whores, they fly around the sites, making as many friends as they can and live in this little world that isn’t true, they’ll like almost anything, and just literally attach themselves like leaches to people they want to live through.

Fourth is fake people in general.  They have separate lives, they try to act like something they aren’t, they want to “lie to kick it” think if they embellish their lives.  When if they would just realize people like them how they are, no need to act like this! 

What do these all have in common?  They are all forms of emotional predators, they take their toll on us, they drain us… they sap our energy for dealing with it, and seeing it.  There is something missing in their lives, that have to behave in ways like these…

How to handle this?  You can do a few things actually.  You can put up healthy boundaries, you can try to talk to them, however depending on the person, you might not be able to.  Because any time you try to (even when they ARE at fault) they will try to turn the situation around and make you look like the bad guy, they can’t accept they were in the wrong and apologize.  However, talking to them might be the best option.  If it causes a problem, then how good of friends were they to being with right??? Another thing you could do is nothing, just keep dealing with it, with the awareness that something is wrong with them and not you.  OR finally you can just bounce out, not even deal with it.  But this is serious, you need to understand that something is mentally wrong with them, something in their life is missing, which causes them to behave this way.

Remember this: Friendship is accepting the good with the bad, no one is perfect…

However : everyone does have their limits…  you just need to figure yours out…